(1873-12-18) Smoothing Things Over.
Smoothing Things Over.
Summary: Helena finaly has a heart to heart with Dertan, and changes her outlook on what she has done.
Date: 1873 - 12 - 18 Evening
Related: Helena Dertan struggle - Westwar
NPCs: {$npc}
Players:
Helena  Dertan  

NPC-Maria  {$name}  

Medical Area, Mathis
Room description
Decembre 1873.

In the middle of the day, and Helena still bed ridden has sent out her proper letters to those involved. Boris got his letter about running the battleborn. Sonya, well, she will get her letter when she is well enough, and Dertan received a message about Helena wishing to go to Four corners, about how the past day;s of reflection have seen how he might perceive her actions, and how she feels it's best that she just be 'away' for a while and not underfoot. Once those were done, and d"Korbina was sent a message about 'bring me a map of your lands so I can get an idea of troop placement and give you good advice' she settles down, actually drinking her medicine without much of a fuss… The glare and 'yuck face' are still there, but after that she begins to read once more."

It's dark by the time Dertan manages to find time to come talk to Helena again. Like the last time he first goes to Sonya. This time he brushes her hair lightly. Then he moves to Helena's side, bringing a chair with him. The limp is mostly gone, maybe he was telling the truth about it being a sore muscle rather than an actual injury (Or maybe he's just been at the poppy). "You could have simply sent someone to tell me that you wished to speak." he says quietly, still looking as if he's scraping by on minimal sleep hours. He reaches under his surcoat and retrieves a leather satchel of sorts. This is opened and he flicks thought the papers inside until he finds the one he wants. The satchel is tucked back under his surcoat and then he unfolds the letter. "I do not think you needed permission for this, strictly speaking." he tells her. "But I am grateful that you did." he gives her a small smile. "Not because I hate you being underfoot, although I admit some relief at not having to deal with the frustrations between us, but because I want to see you get your abilities entirely under control in a discreet setting. It is something that I have lost sleep over on more than one occasion."

Helena gives a nod. "Well, right now you are the person to ask, if anyone, since our Viscountess is still recovering." She says with a frown. "Honestly…" She looks around and taps her passed out squire. "Maria, wake up.. Guard the door." She says as the youth gets up and rubs her eyes a bit before doing as she is big, the lumps on her head healing up nicely, once the door closes, she turns to Dertan. "What I'm about to say stays between us… With your permission… Im a fool, alright, you are the count, and I should have listened to you about… Everything. I may not have failed sonya… But I failed you, since my oath is to everyone who has the name Kaedon… So… If you want me to stay in four corners, I will, because I was wrong, I'm… Not good at this sort of thing.. There hasn't ever been a 'count' to deal with until recently, and everything I did before you came along was either me being lucky, or just shining brighter than anyone else.. Dertan.. you are as battle smart as I am, but if you feel that I'm in the way.. I'll move, and Sonya can find another avenue for my skills… I'm sorry I insulted you, your faith, your family, and your intelligence… you dont have to forgive me.. ever, but I want you to know that…"

There is an advantage to speaking with a man who's close to exhausted when its a man like Dertan. His composure isn't exactly gone but its ragged enough around the edges that he's actually readable. The look he gives Helena as she says all this ranges from surprise through to suspicion and doubt. He leans forward in his chair and resting his hands, with fingers laced, between his knees. "Before I answer." he says. "What caused this change of heart?" He falls silent, looking expectant, but speaks up before Helena can. "I am grateful and hopeful that you are willing to talk to me." he adds. "But I need to understand why."

"Unity." Helena says as she looks at him and closes her eyes. "I learned alot from Teleko, I leanred that no one person can carry burden alone.. I also learned that Unity and compsure often help in detering dissaster… That got me thinking further and… Like I say you were right, we can't win this if there isn't one commander, which is command basics, but I was so worried about how people saw the many that I never looked past your faith, that was my fault and I'm sorry for it. My pride would like me to tell you that it's because of sonya, or because of the troops we have, but honestly, it's because I've realized that you are, in fact, our count and that I should be more supporitve than I have been, that as a landed noble I'm more than just a weapon, I have a responcibility to make sure your orders are followed, and that I should follow them myself."

Dertan still doesn't look entirely as if he believes her but his nod is serious. The nod of a man that is slowly soaking in information. "I have never been big and loud like you. It is just not who I am. I gain respect by doing what I do well and ensuring that those who need to look up to me never see anything that would shake the view that I know what I am doing and I am in control. You have hurt me, a lot, over the years with your attitude. Everytime I let you get away with something to avoid a brawl that would cause even more harm than the way you always smothered me you made the men believe that I accepted it. How could I punish a man for stepping outside of their place when they witnessed you do the exact same thing?" He sighs, his shoulders rounding as he lets his gaze slip away. Then he brings it back, his gaze questioning. "Do you truly believe that I have the good of the county in mind when I do something Helena?"

Helena gives a sigh. "That's just it, if anyone else did to you what I did to you… I'd have put them to the lash.. or the sword, which is why I feel aweful about this." She says as she hangs her head, helena isnt a good actress, not in the least, and she isnt acting. "At first I didnt… I thought you were going to try and convert the lot of us.. but my views on people with your faith were wrong… very wrong. You helped build us up, you've been fair, I can't blame you just because a maniplulative monster was pulling strings… it's not about the many, or the one, or any other faith… it's about tirth, it's about unity, and how much easyer it will be if I just keep myself in check and shut my big mouth."

"There are reasons you never tasted the lash Helena." Dertan tells her plainly. "First, you are a Lady, and as such anything I do to you has greater consequences than it does for a soldier, or even a knight. Rank buys protection but, it also makes the results far worse when they finally come." He gives her a serious look. "And I wanted to avoid that. You have an excellent record of sacrifice and service. You are valuable and." a wry look. "I always suspected that if I tried it you would try to kill me and then I would be forced to do something drastic. In fact every time you have done what you did I have held myself back because of that. You are a vassal. I never had the option of something as minor as a flogging." He gives her a long look. "Do you not see that my faith is a shield against the rest of the kingdom? It is flimsy, without a doubt, but it is helping to counter your actions."

Helena shakes her head. "Maybe one day that shield won't be needed. We are not wrong for what we do, but I see your point that people are easily scared, and shouldent think that there are monsters in the center of their country either." She says softly. "As soon as I'm fit for travel, I'll leave for four corners, Bella can handle the shepard holdings for a while." She says softly.

"They see me as a counter to the worst excesses." Dertan tells Helena. "And I try to be." he looks at her. "On both sides." he unlinks his fingers, wrapping his left hand over his right instead. "You did not answer me Helena. Do you believe that I act for the good of the County or for something else? Pride perhaps?"

Helena slumps her shoulders. "I just don;t know.. I thought I knew, but I was wrong.. I don;t want to be wrong again.. so I 'dont know, but if you tell me, I'll beleive you." She says in a small voice, as if she has just given up trying to figure most things with dertan out.

Dertan gives a small sigh. "It isnt exactly something I can just tell you to do Helena. Either you believe I am serving the same cause as you are or you dont. I dont think there is really any inbetween." He straightens up. "And it is something I would dearly like to know because I do not think you do." He takes a moment and then says. "For my part. I am aware that I failed to be the leader you needed me to be in order to prevent all this. Truly, this was the first time I had been tested in this way and I made mistakes."

Helena sighs. "It's not that I don;t think what you are doing is for the good of the county.. I just think… what you think is good for the county isn't what I think is good for the county. I know I'm just an upjumped Hedge knight, but I earned my noble title, everything I have, I earned and fought for, even the battleborn wasnt easy, we boosted the county to new hights, almost as strong as a duchy, that scared her majesty. I know you think this would be alot easyer if we just found faith in the one… but I think we should rpove ourtselves usefull in other ways, usefull enough so that we don;t have to worry about our faith." She says as she closes her eyes.

"The faith will always be an anvil chained around your neck Helena." Dertan tells her simply. "That is just one of those things that is. You choose to struggle along with it, instead of laying it down in favor of the easy way, and there is respect in that but, I am not sure you are being reasonable if you think you can just make it go away. We have to be better than everyone else as a result. Because we are already at a disadvantage." He pauses for a moment and then looks at her thoughtfully. He goes to say something but evidently thinks better of it as he purses his lips instead and then rubs his thumb along the line of his jaw. "I dont demand you leave Helena." he says after a long moment of contemplation. "I have always considered your talents to be valuable both to House Shepard and to House Kaedon. What I do want is for you to discuss things with me when you are making decisions that can impact the enitre county and that you simply listen to my advice, even when I am angry and you do not entirely understand why. I don't expect you will always take it, no more than I always take advice myself, but I do want you to pay attention. In addition, in the field, I need to know that your men will move the way I expect them to do. I do not want to be involved in the minor tasks, you are a commander in your own right, but we have to act in a unified fashion. In return, I will." He considers this for a bit. "In private you can always speak honestly with me without risk of repercussions. Although I cannot swear that I will not get angry. And I will listen to your own advice, even when it comes to the council of war." he considers what he's said for a moment and then nods as if sealing it. "But." he warns, looking directly at her with his greyish blue eyes. "I will not honor this if you do not treat me with the respect my rank and title is due in public."

Helena blinks and nods. "I will." She says softly. "And I have always impressed upand my knights and soldiers that you are to be respected, even if it seems I'm not. You have their respect, more then a few tims my knightly officers have… told me I was wrong in our dealings." She says, the one time she almost clocked Boris with a right to the jaw came to mind. "And demand or not, I have to go and get a handle on this…" She says touching the sorcerer's mark that wraps around her neck. "I'm of no use to anyone if I can;t ccontrol it."

"I agree." Dertan tells her with a tired smile. "But I would like you to speak to Sonya about her expectations about your use of sorcery. You need to be on the same page of the same book." He pauses again and says, "She has grown quite blatant about its use so I imagine she will be accepting of the same from you. However. It has to be her decision."

Helena frowns. "I'll confer with her once she is well enough to confer with." She says with a sigh. "But I'm glad we talked this over… I know it doesnt fix everything, but.. it's a start, and Hopefully in time you can trust me as much as Sonya does."

"There are certain things I trust you implicitly in." Dertan tells her with blunt honesty. "I would trust you with the life of me, or any of my children." He pauses and gives her a wry look. "Against the enemy. I have sometimes doubted your intentions in regard to my own survival. Where I do not truly trust you is in your ability to restrain yourself."

Helena smiles. "I love your daughters, they are as precious to me as my own children, and I would die for thhem, and sonya, and you." She says as she looks up at him. "You don't trust me with my own life… I get reckless and want to charge into danger." Stating the obvious.

"To an extent." Dertan tells her, refolding his hands and settling back into that leaning position again. "But it is deeper than that. I expect that you will see a potential threat and charge out to it, thus leaving your wards susceptible to an ambush. Sometimes, standing still and waiting, is the best thing you can do. Sometimes not fighting is the best thing to do even when it might make you look weak. Worse, charging into a fight before you truly understand it, could easily bring punishments down that would not otherwise have existed." He pauses for a moment and then concedes. "Sonya suffers from this same impulsiveness. Let me pose you a question. If I had charged off after that monster as well. What would have happened to our army?"

Helena sighs. "They would have been leaderless." She says, but looks up at him. 'But.. I made an oath to Sonya to kill him, she accepted that oath, She shouldent have been there… it's my duty to protect her… I can;t protect her when I can barely stand against that… thing."

"I am not angry with you for making that choice Helena. If I had been choosing who to send into that battle you would have been one of my choices for the attempt" Dertan says. "I am simply asking if you considered the fact that you might have been the most superior of the Kaedon forces on the field before you decided. Or what would happen if you failed and needed rescuing. From what I hear you are fortunate that Brigadier Chandus arrived when he did."

Helena shakes her head. "When I decided to charge the monster, I though you and Spnya were away and safe, I'm glad he showed up.. for sonya's sake, but I was ready to die and take that monster with me, me for him.. that's a fair trade and a good deal."

Dertan asks, "Why so eager to die? In war, you should never aim for the fair trade."

Helena blinks. "I'd rather die young and with pourpose, then old and of no use to anyone anymore." She says. "Getting old.. it scares me.. I mean, my father is 'well aged' and he can;t even get out of bed or do much of anything without getting out of breath.. every winter it's scary to think that he wont make it to spring…"

"Have you asked your father if he regrets not having died young?" Dertan asks Helena simply. "I rather suspect his answer would be that he would not have wanted to miss these last few years. On top of that." He tilts his head a little, a frown making the skin between his eyebrows crumple. "I feel that dying, when it is not essential, marks a remarkable disregard for the gift that was granted to you in your own noble house. Especially given your inability to have a natural heir. You need to train up your brothers children so that they may take your place. Then, you can consider dying."

Helena blinks a few times. 'Not having permission to die? Odd, sounds like somthing Sonya or her dear mother would say." She says as she lets out a huge yawn. "In any case, thankyou for listening Excelency. I can;t promise that I wont be able to keep my opinions to myself, but I can keep to them in private… together we can rise above what people think about our county and be the shining light of progress." She says before giving another yawn."

"I wasn't demanding titles." Dertan tells her. "Although it would be appropriate to keep it when we first meet or when you are receiving an order and wish me to know you understand." theres a wry little smile. "A certain amount of informality is fine." He pauses a moment and then says "But I have to admit that I dont much enjoy it when you keep touching me." he shakes his head. "As for your opinions. They are fine in the right place when delivered in the right fashion. I don't want you mute, silent and impotent. I want order." He nods and then yawns himself. "mMphf" he mumbles when he's finished. "I'm going to leave before you make me fall asleep." Up to his feet. "Tell Sonya that I stopped by if she wakes up and asks. I will try to be back later."

Helena blinks and tilts her head. "That's… the first time anyone has ever said that to me… usualy people like it when I touch them…" She says with a smirk. "But honestly… I'm not dirty and I do wash daily." She says but yawns again. 'I'll tell her, and I'll let her know that things are smoothing over between us… she will be happy… Nap…" And soon she is asleep once more, whatever medicine they are giving her, it knocks her out good enough.

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